is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
