I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
