Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
