I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
