I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
