he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
just tell him i said nine months
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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