I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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