i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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