Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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