True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
