just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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