Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Can I color on your dick again?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
