You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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