she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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