OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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