That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
