highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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