I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
