I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
sex in a hospital.. check
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
