I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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