I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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