He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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