I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
