so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
