So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
