I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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