Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
