I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
