I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
