I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
