I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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