So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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