Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
