When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
