Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
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