Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
