Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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