you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Let's paint friendship bongs
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize