dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
