First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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