Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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