i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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