A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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