Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
