I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
