I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
