so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
