I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
