we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
