omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
