where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
