I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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