I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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