I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
