If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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