just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
