this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
