I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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