Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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