he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize