hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Operation Purity has been aborted
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
