His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
