I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
