her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
