You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
