i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
