Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
