He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
