I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
