Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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