not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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