Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
