i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
