they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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