Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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