I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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